The generation gap between the kids -- and why it rocks

My middle son, Thomas, 18,  just went home after spending the weekend with me, my wife and our preschooler, Jacob.

One of the joys of these visits from my older sons has been watching their relationships with Jacob play out. The age gap has had unexpectedly positive effects.

With each interaction, I become more aware of how adult these boys have always been toward their younger brother. I recognize that any older sibling (full, step, half, any kind), may tend to act 'parental'  and share in child care duties, but these guys are just so mature about it. They are allies with us in parenting Jacob. They watch out for him the way other adults would. We can leave the room without 'tasking' them to keep an eye on their brother and they still will.

My oldest son, Charlie, now 21, once said he feels more like an uncle to Jacob than like a brother. But from my perspective, he and Thomas are better than uncles. They are in a whole different class.

For one thing, the kinship between adult and child siblings seems much tighter than that between a niece or nephew and an uncle or aunt. Having a parent in common, my sons have had some similar experiences. The older ones may even experience flashbacks, just as I often do. (I'll have to ask them.)

I think another thing that makes the relationship unique is that to some degree, all my kids have to answer to my authority as a dad. Other adult relatives can show good-natured defiance ("Your dad says 'No sweets,' but I won't tell him about this cookie if you don't.") I think my boys are reluctant to do that.

The bottom line is that the generation gap rocks. I'm really enjoying it. I hope I'm not the only recycled dad having a positive experience with this.

Four keys to a great multi-generational outing

Last summer, I tried taking my sons Thomas (then 17) and Jacob (then 2.5) backpacking.  It was hell.

Yesterday, I took the same two sons kayaking. It was euphoric.

Here are the four main things that were different about the two ventures, expressed as 'keys to success':

1. Check the weather.


2. Bring everything you might need.


3. Don't be married to the plan.


4. Choose an age-appropriate activity. (When you have two generations of kids, this means something you and both generations will like.)
   

Bad trip

With the backpacking trip last summer, I had made the campsite reservation weeks in advance, when the weather was mild, and assumed it would be the same at the time of the trip (or cooler, since it was approaching autumn). I failed to check the forecast before we left, and we ended up hiking to the site in 90- to 100-degree temps.

I also neglected to read my time-tested packing list carefully, so we had no bug repellent -- and the campsite (once we reached it) was swarming with flies.

At the first sign of misery, I could have decided to scrap the plan, but it didn't occur to me that we were 'allowed' to quit -- after all, we had a reservation!

But the real problem was my choice of activities. Backpacking depends on everyone walking, and 2.5-year-old Jacob wasn't into it. He was like the "Blind Man" in the Sunday school song: He stood in the road and he cried. Thomas and I ended up taking turns carrying Jacob on what should have been a modest 2-mile hike up gentle slopes.

Good trip

By contrast, the kayaking yesterday was a blast for all three of us, the whole time, which shocked me more than anyone because we were on the water more than three hours, and Jacob doesn't normally have the patience for long boat rides.

We checked the weather beforehand. In fact, our original plan had been to camp and kayak at a river park in Lathrop (far inland). It was because the weather was expected to be hot that we chose the cooler climate of Tomales Bay (this covers "Check the weather" and "Don't be married to the plan.") I had no standard packing list for this kind of trip, but in deciding what to bring, Thomas and I at least talked it out. We had clothes for warm and cool weather, bug juice, sunscreen, snacks, water, GPS unit, the works.

Most important, this was an activity that was equally enjoyable for a 43-year-old, an 18-year-old and a 3-year-old. Two adults paddling a tandem kayak in fairly calm water with a small child between them.

This activity would have worked even if Jacob had fought it the whole time -- we asked nothing of him but to sit in the boat -- but he loved it. He spent most of the time belting out songs of pure nonsense that he was making up on the spot. We all enjoyed the mild 'wave action' and seeing pelicans dive for fish.

We were 'reconning' the beaches in the national park area of the bay for future camping trips, so going ashore occasionally was part of the plan. This allowed us all to stretch our legs, explore, look at jellyfish and chat with other people (fellow kayakers and a ranger).

Even if you haven't learned anything new here, you may now be sold on Tomales Bay as a kayaking destination. Either way, you're welcome!

Multi-generational outing

Going kayaking with sons 2 and 3. Planning to blog about it tonight (or in the morning if the fun runs long).

As long as no one's reading, I'm going to blog about my feelings!

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="124" caption="It's Fatherhood Friday at Dad Blogs"][/caption]

The start of school* makes me nostalgic for one of the two happiest times in my life: 12 years ago.

Twelve years ago is when I started working nights on the copy desk of a regional newspaper. What was so great about that? Well, I didn't have to be at work until 4 p.m., so I got a lot of good quality time with my sons, Charlie and Thomas, who were in fourth grade and first grade.

This was the routine: I would finish work at midnight or 1 a.m., come home, sleep for a few hours, get up, help my boys get ready for school, walk them out to the bus stop, and maybe go back to bed for another few hours. I say "maybe" because I might drive them to school, or go to one of their classrooms and help out, or get just a little sleep and then go have lunch with them at school (we would eat quickly so there was lots of time for them to humiliate me at tetherball). I never got eight hours of sleep (or even six) in a row, but life was beautiful.

The other happiest time in my life: Right now. What's so great about right now is that I get to have morning quality time with my third son, Jacob, who is in preschool. Mama's workday starts kind of early, so from about 7 or 7:15 a.m., that kid is all mine.

I don't have a night job anymore, so I can't spend half the day with Jacob. In fact, I have to do the drop-off promptly at 8 in order to make an 8:12 train. But we do a lot with the time we have. We might make pancakes or toast, or wrestle, or just talk while we eat cereal. It doesn't matter exactly what we do. We are just together. Normally, goofing off comes first and I end up rushing through the necessities -- making lunches, rinsing the dishes, getting us dressed -- and we just barely make it to the preschool on time.

Two days a week, I also get some bonus time with Jacob. My employer is flexible on hours, so my typical work week is 10, 6, 10, 6, 8 (10 hours Monday, six hours Tuesday, etc.). On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I pick up Jacob while my wife does her workout -- so we can do whatever we want. We do errands or go to the park or to Super Franks or to the train table in the children's section at Barnes & Noble.

Sleep deprivation is part of the routine this time, too, but only because my blogging and some miscellaneous editing projects are keeping me up late. And at 43, I feel the effects  more than I used to. Still, sleep or no sleep, the phases of life that provide lots of 'kid time' have been the best.

Profound? No.

True? Yes.




* The 'start of the school year' is happening around me, not to me. Charlie and Thomas are college men and live in another part of the state. Jacob's preschool knows no season.

"Trophy wife" intro aside, Globe article is a good read

Add this to the Recycled Dad canon: a 2005 Boston Globe article that doesn't just state the obvious about older guys who have kids with their second wives.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="262" caption="(Boston Globe Photo / Lisa Poole) "][/caption]

For starters, this piece has a pretty thorough setup that observes the following:

• The number of "do-over dads" seems to be increasing, though concrete statistics are hard to capture.


• Men remarry sooner after divorce than women do; for this and other reasons, more divorced men than divorced women are in a position to have children.


• Recycled dads tend to be more confident and enjoy the parenting experience more.

I enjoyed this passage that quotes Marilyn Yalom, an author and Stanford University researcher:

This second chance at fatherhood, says Yalom, is changing these men. "It gives them the idea that they will do a better job the second time around," she says. This is because, for the most part, just like his mid-section, the second-timer's temper has softened as he's gotten older. His drive to build a successful career is no longer obsessively frantic; he may even be contemplating retirement. This dad is everything that kids love - devoted, patient, giving - and he isn't as focused on the issues that many younger parents face, such as the balancing act between career and family. He's not only old enough to be his kids' grandfather, he practically acts like one.

Some of us might chuckle at the grandfather thing. Others of us might not.

The rest of the story:

• One profile of a recycled dad to illustrate the above points, plus some of the downsides of this situation, with quotes from his adult kids (one of whom criticizes Dad for shortchanging the new generation).


• The new wife's perspective.


• Vasectomy reversals. (I could -- and probably will -- do a post dedicated to that topic.)


• A profile of another recycled dad, which mainly illustrates the physical limitations that some older dads have to deal with.

Check it out and feel free to comment on anything that stands out -- good or bad.

(Statistically) Generation 1 resents us?

The best thing I read all day (Monday) was this think piece about recycled dads that first ran in American Demographics magazine way back in 1999. The article is long by Web standards, but it's a surprisingly good read, with mini profiles and quotes that showcase a variety of recycled dad experiences and issues.

Authors and scholars are quoted and some of their findings cited and summarized. One book that is mentioned, Fathers of a Certain Age: The Joys and Problems of Middle-Aged Fatherhood (Fairview Press, 1997) seemed promising, so I ordered it.



I'll post a review of this book soon, but if you're impatient, you can get a copy through Amazon, new for about $10 or used for about $2.

Generation 1 kids are also quoted in the article -- which makes sense because the main thrust of it is that our relationships with our original kids tend to be strained because our attention and wealth have to be split more ways than in a traditional family or even a simple stepfamily.

In other words, our Generation 1 kids have a reason to resent us, and in many cases they do.

Has this been your experience?

I lied a little

I recently posted statements to the effect that there is no other term in common usage that is the equivalent of "recycled dad."

This turns out to be inaccurate, or at least an exaggeration. I have since discovered a few synonymous phrases that get pretty good search results. The best -- that is, the one with the most relevant matches --  is "do-over dad." Has a nice ring, doesn't it?

Other strings that got some results: "start-over dad" and "second-time-around dad."

Future posts will reveal some of the content that these searches turned up. Meanwhile, feel free to do your own searches on these and similar phrases. I'll be curious to know which specific terms you used and what you found online.

Celebrity recycled dads, courtesy of FameCrawler

I don't really follow celebrity news. Until tonight I had been only vaguely aware that some famous old guys have young wives and are therefore likely recycled dads.

Thanks to a blog called FameCrawler and its "Boys Still Swim" category (beware of the flyover -- you may see Rod Stewart in a Speedo), I now know of a few confirmed celebrity RD's, including:

• Tim Allen


• Donald Trump


• Peter Gabriel


• Kevin Costner


• Mick Jagger (more serial than recycled -- kids born '70, '71, '84, '85, '92, '97, '99)

A friend recently hit me to the fact that Dennis Quaid is one of us.

And the guy I have always pictured as the stereotypical RD -- long before I was one myself -- is Garrison Keillor. There's a nice NYT profile of him here.

If you know of another famous RD, please name names in the comments. But I'm still more interested in knowing about you!

Help solve the identity crisis

If you have a moment for a little experiment,  do a Web search for "recycled dad." You should see a link to this blog somewhere on the first two pages of results. (As I write this, I have something in the #9 position in the Google results for this phrase.)

But as you've probably noticed, traffic here is a little light. Here's why: No one is searching for "recycled dad." Why would they? This special segment of the dad population is not commonly referred to by that term -- or by any succinct term, as far as I can tell. (If there were such a term in use, I'd have made that the name of the blog and everyone would be coming here.) So I have found it necessary to offer a term of my own.

A little perspective

"A term of my own" is sort of misleading because, as I said in an earlier post, I did not coin the phrase "recycled dad." But I think it's a great, memorable phrase that aptly describes us -- the audacious few who have dared to re-enter the parenting cycle at a point in life when our peers are prying the caps off cold pilsners to celebrate the fact that all their offspring are finally (or nearly) out of the nest.


Frankly, I'm surprised that this term has never gotten enough exposure to attain 'household' status. Hopefully we can remedy that.

To see things in perspective, realize that other kinds of nonstandard dads had to go through this same identity crisis. For example, there must have been a time when "stepfather" wasn't a word, when a guy in that situation had to refer to himself as "the husband of someone who already has kids."

It's just our turn, that's all. And the way out of this crisis is clear, simple and painless.

How to help (yourself or someone else)

If you fit the description of a recycled dad (even if you don't like that particular term), contact me so I know you're out there. If you're not already connected to other recycled dads, I'd like to help you. And if you are already connected to other recycled dads, I need you to help me!

Maybe you don't fit the description yourself but you know someone who does (your friend, your dad, your brother?). If so, let him know there is a name for what he is, and point him here.

If a guy doesn't know what to call the group he's in, he will have a very hard time finding others who are in it.

Book preview has insights for older and divorced dads

Guys who are recycled dads invariably fit into other, broader categories as well -- for example, remarried dads or older dads. I'm not here to reinvent the wheel, so when I discover good sites or articles about those broader categories, I will link to them.

Here is one such plug:

Do a Web search on "older fathers"* and you will get thousands of results, most of them describing the horrible (physical and mental) health risks you subject your children to by becoming a dad 'late in life.'

Buried among those distressing results is a link to something a little more constructive: a Google Books preview of How Children Develop, a textbook by Robert S. Siegler, Judy S. DeLoache and Nancy Eisenberg (MacMillan, some edition prior to 2006). The link points to page 472, on which begins a short section on "Older Parents" that identifies some very general pros and cons.


That section is followed by a long sidebar about adolescent parents (this may or may not have bearing on your situation) and then a section on divorce (and its impact on children). The divorce part is not previewed in its entirety (page 479 is omitted from the free preview), but what's there is good high-level discussion.

Rational, substantive and free. Can't beat that.

Coming soon, or later, or never: the AMAZING FREE GUIDE

The top blogging gurus recommend kick-starting a blog by releasing a killer e-book, preferably a how-to guide. They explain that if a "free guide" is well written and useful, it can help establish a blogger's expertise and bring lots of traffic to his or her blog.

In this case, the killer e-book would be an authoritative guide to recycled fatherhood. In addition to extolling what is great about this experience, it would identify all the common hazards and prescribe safeguards and solutions for all of them.

That won't work here -- not at this stage, anyway -- because I have no special expertise about the problems or the solutions.  I only have theories based on common sense and my own experiences. So if you're a recycled dad, you are as qualified to write that "free guide" as I am.

In any case, I would not presume to impart 'advice' to anyone who reads this blog. My intent is to give recycled fathers a place to share their wisdom with the rest of us.

In lieu of a book of answers, I'd like to share an AMAZING FREE QUESTION: What's the main challenge you have faced as a result of being a recycled father, and how have you dealt with it?

Be proud!

I mentioned in my first post that I started this blog out of a desire to connect with other recycled fathers. The fact is, I've never personally met any other recycled dads. (I trust that I won't be able to say that for much longer.)

Even without knowing any other recycled dads, I have a hunch that we are an exceptionally cool group of guys.


Generally speaking, we:

• Are more experienced than first-time dads.


• Have an above-average amount of time and money to spend on our families.


• Are happy in our relationships with our wives and kids.

Are you one of us? If so, are you proud of your recycled status? Am I out of line to suggest that we are awesome?

I'd love to get your comments. Thanks!

So *that's* what we are

Welcome to what I believe is the first blog dedicated to recycled fathers.

This blog was created because I couldn't find any Web sites focused on dads with multiple generations of kids. I had to search for a while just to find a handful of relevant threads in one forum on a site called (ironically) Brand New Dad.

I'm not saying there is no other site for recycled dads. I'm just saying I haven't been able to find it.

First-time dads, divorced dads, single dads, older dads, and stepdads are all extremely well represented on the Web. But try to find more than a few articles, let alone a whole site, for "guys who became dads a long time ago and have become dads again under new circumstances." You can't. Know why? Because that's the way you would have to say it -- the  long way. Not very conducive to web searching.

"Recycled dad" is a short way of saying it, and in my opinion it's a pretty good one. I'm not bragging, because I didn't invent the term*. I just read it in an article a long time ago, and it stuck with me.

Earlier this year -- three years into my own recycled dad journey -- I started looking for an online community of us and realized that, as far as I could tell, there was no such thing. So I decided to start one.

Having a name for what we are is a step in the right direction.

(Read more about this blog in -- that's right! -- "About This Blog.")

* The term "recycled dad" and its more proper form, "recycled father," were used by Kathryn Weil Simon in her 1982 master's thesis. She defined recycled fathers as "older men who became fathers for the first time between the ages of 20 and 24 and again became fathers between the ages of 45 and 60." Click here to view an article about Mrs. Simon's research.